whispered wind and cracked cement

I don’t know why I got triggered.  Well, I do.  We are planning birthday stuff for my three birthday boys born on the same day and I had to leave talking to my daughter and go cry in private.  I started dreading my birthday which isn’t for a while.

I sometimes dread birthdays, Christmas, and Mother’s Day to some extent.

not because I want to have lots of gifts.  I don’t expect gifts because I give them.

I give because I love them.

I spend months thinking of gifts for my family.  Presents they want, presents that help them expand their talents or skills, presents that will bless their lives.

I get really excited to give presents.  I love it.

I spend hours cutting up paper hearts for Valentine’s Day and pasting it on their doors.  One year they told me how sad they were when I didn’t do it.

I try to have their special dinners on their day and do something they love.

I have worked on not expecting anything in return.  

But…my heartache sometimes refuses to leave.

I know my kids love me.  They are awesome.  I know they don’t always have access to stores and they don’t have money.  Sometimes they’ve written me kind notes.

The last few birthdays and christmases I haven’t received much at all.  Or on Mother’s Day.  Not many notes either.

it’s not that I need to have money spent on me.

My kids show me they love me in other ways.

 But lately (and for years) my bank of over giving and not getting a lot back has started to give me true exhaustion.  Not just in this area of life.  And feeling taken for granted.

I have mentioned it slightly to people, but I also haven’t made a big deal of it.

As a few tears leaked out my eyes, I thought of our Mother.  The Earth.  How She must feel so often.

She has given and given and given to us.  Freely.  Our breath.  Our life.  Unconditional love.  And we take Her for granted.  I realized how She understands exactly how I feel.  And more so.  And She loves me.  And gives to me unconditionally.  I felt gratitude enter my heart that was healing.

So many of us women give and give.  We do so because we love others.  We want to help them.  We care.

And often we don’t always receive the appreciation and love back.

We matter.  And we are all so loved.